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--- transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-04-04 20:12] – [June 2016] maja
+++ transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-04-08 08:19] – maja
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 Yet another pause in the fallow year (where pause means a flurry of fast-paced context-switching activity). A compromise. Meetings, conference calls, design sessions, accounting and administration. [[http://fo.am/tasting-fieldwork/|Promotion]] and [[http://lib.fo.am/hosting/december_2016|documentation]]. Scheduling. Work-related travel, with one Eurostar journey which lasted over eight hours (instead of two), due to suspected stowaways on the roof of the train and the convoluted incompatibilities between high-speed and regular train lines in Belgium. My final post-op checkup of 2016. A series of rushed farewells. Perseverance keeping emotional swings in check. From tension to hope, frustration to affection.
 The week began with Rasa, Nik and I finally deciding to let go of our beautiful, yet entropic studio space, likely sometime in the spring of 2017 (legalities and details TBC). The week ended with the bittersweet aftertaste of our last FoAM apero as a "kunstenwerkplaats". I spent most of my time wrapping up past commitments and consolidating plans for the near future.
-The post-fallow stage of my transiency - the re-integration - has begun gradually filling with a series of experiments. From March to July 2017 my calendar includes bursts of collaborative activities (workshops, events, design sessions) interspersed with longer periods of solitary work, in Belgium and abroad. It looks like a comfortable rhythm, but doesn’t have much space for adding anything unplanned, ad-hoc or serendipitous collaborations. Instead, the first half of the year is about re-affirmation of existing working relationships, which Nik and I would like to continue in our new guise of a transient FoAM studio. For the rest of the year, I’d like to keep enough (head)space and balance between vision and adaptation to respond in interesting ways to whatever might emerge.
+I sent a message to the mailing list of the [[:/hosting/start|hosting community]], after staying away for a few months. I wrote, "After some distance, I feel the need for clarity and conscious closure (of a phase, scope, involvement...), which is difficult to do in isolation. So I was wondering if there would be interest and energy to come together once more with everyone who was involved in 2016 to reconcile different perspectives, learn from the past and allow those who want to continue to do so in a spirit of friendship, that was for me the strength of the group at its inception. What do you think?" My message met with complete silence. One person replied off-list that she wants to meet with me alone. For the rest, nothing. As if I'm talking to a void. I think the time has come for me to completely let go of this group. Otherwise I will just keep reopening old wounds. Neither leaving nor staying doesn't seem fair. In fact both seem cowardly. Still, if I check my "energy accounting", it feels like all that I have poured into this group for nearly four years has drained away into negative space in the last six months. I will have to ritually close this chapter on my own, as difficult as it may be to do in isolation. It makes me wonder if the "process facilitation" working group that emerged from this community can be any different. I hope so, but I'm a bit more reluctant to throw myself into it wholeheartedly.
+To end this entry on a more positive note, post-fallow stage of my transiency - the re-integration - has begun gradually filling with a series of experiments. From March to July 2017 my calendar includes bursts of collaborative activities (workshops, events, design sessions) interspersed with longer periods of solitary work, in Belgium and abroad. It looks like a comfortable rhythm, but doesn’t have much space for adding anything unplanned, ad-hoc or serendipitous collaborations. Instead, the first half of the year is about re-affirmation of existing working relationships, which Nik and I would like to continue in our new guise of a transient FoAM studio. For the rest of the year, I’d like to keep enough (head)space and balance between vision and adaptation to respond in interesting ways to whatever might emerge.
 {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/31135597824/}}\\
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 I put quite some time and mental energy into writing up a description of {{ :hosting:integrativeprocessfacilitation.pdf |integrative process facilitation}} with some of the hosting community. It felt right to do this as part of my transiency. Process facilitation is one of things from FoAM’s past that make sense for me to continue in our next phase. Working on the text and diagrams helped me clarify exactly what it is that I want to be doing, and how my skills and interest can be complementary with others in the group. I think this working group has potential to become a true community of practice. Our respective (un)availability and travel schedules still remain a challenge, which could be remedied if there were means for us to work intensively on projects for short periods as well as having a way to maintain momentum when we’re not directly working together. It’s a bit like the FoAM network… Working directly on such challenges though is something for after my transiency. For now, I’ll use the description of the work in my scoping conversations with potential clients and partners.
-What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.
+What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts…
-Context switching wasn’t the most difficult thing in September though. That place was reserved for my ambiguous relationship with the hosting community. In June, I enjoyed preparing gatherings the way I like to experience them, which was perceived as walking over people and not fulfilling their needs. When I tried to share my own unfulfilled needs and doubts, they were met with accusations that I’m taking responsibility away from others and not allowing them to help me. I listened to the critique and stepped as far back as I could to make space for others to step up. A few people organised the community [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] in September. While I noticed the same mistakes I used to make as novice retreat organiser, I let them "pass over me and through me", not wanting to criticise or come across as taking over again. Instead, I focused on doing exactly what was asked of me. I showed up as a participant and hosted a session I wanted to experiment with. For me, this was [[:hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]].
+Context switching wasn’t the most difficult thing in September though. That place was reserved for my ambiguous relationship with the hosting community. In June, I enjoyed preparing gatherings the way I like to experience them, which was perceived as walking over people and not fulfilling their needs. When I tried to share my own unfulfilled needs and doubts, they were met with accusations that I'm bringing bad energy to the group, taking responsibility away from others and not allowing them to help me. I listened to the critique and stepped as far back as I could to make space for others to step up. A few people organised the community [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] in September. While I noticed the same mistakes I used to make as novice retreat organiser, I let them "pass over me and through me", not wanting to criticise or come across as taking over again. Instead, I focused on doing exactly what was asked of me. I showed up as a participant and hosted a session I wanted to experiment with. For me, this was [[:hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]].
 I was looking forward to extracting parts of my memoir and translating them into a participatory session. The session included readings interspersed with short meditations. I spent a few days designing it and felt quite inspired. I wanted to share the practices which have helped me in my darkest, most difficult moments. I had hoped that they could be as helpful to other people. I also wanted to share my writing with people who I felt close to.
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 ==Back to Not Holding Back==
-During my transiency, I have uncovered parts of myself which lay dormant or have been held with tight reins for years, while I was running an organisation and supporting dozens of people through their personal, professional, financial and emotional issues. This year I promised myself that I wouldn’t hold back any more. I want to be able to enjoy the flow of my creativity in whatever I do. I should either fully commit to something or not do it at all. At the end of my transiency I want to have a clear(er) sense of purpose, so that I can better prioritise and only work on things I can completely stand behind. I have only a limited number of years to live with dwindling energy, and I can’t allow myself to be so drained any more.
+During my transiency, I have uncovered parts of myself which lay dormant or have been held with tight reins for years, while I was running an organisation and supporting dozens of people through their personal, professional, financial and emotional issues. This year I promised myself that I wouldn’t hold back any more. I want to be able to enjoy the flow of my creativity in whatever I do. I should either fully commit to something or not do it at all. At the end of my transiency I want to have a clear(er) sense of purpose, so that I can better prioritise and only work on things I can completely stand behind. For three weeks in September I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.I have only a limited number of years to live with dwindling energy, and I can’t allow myself to be so drained any more.
 <blockquote>… it’s not about the joy, it’s about the work, and there has to be some kind of joy in the work, some kind from among the many kinds, including the joy of hard truths told honestly. Carpenters don’t say, I’m just not feeling it today, or I don’t give a damn about this staircase and whether people fall through it; how you feel is something that you cannot take too seriously on your way to doing something, and doing something is a means of not being stuck in how you feel. That is, there’s a kind of introspection that’s wallowing and being stuck, and there’s a kind that gets beyond that into something more interesting and then maybe takes you out into the world or into the place where deepest interior and cosmological phenomena are at last talking to each other.
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 {{::writing-retreat-w2.png|}}
-I made two exceptions this week and made small contributions to projects by [[http://beyondthespoken.eu/|Barbara Raes]] and [[https://stephenbarrass.com/2016/01/18/chemo-singing-bowl/|Stephen Barras]]. Both of them were related to what I'm currently writing about, so I didn't mind. With Stephen I edited the artist statement for the Chemo Singing Bowl. It's the first that my body has been included as the "co-artist" in an exhibition. Stephen created the beautiful  [[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/282454508_Diagnosing_blood_pressure_with_Acoustic_Sonification_singing_bowls|Diagnostic Singing Bowl]] (pictured above) using CAD based on my blood pressure data during chemo and bevacizumab treatments in 2009-2010. For Barbara I wrote the following testimonial of the ritual she guided for me just before my surgery last June:
+I made two exceptions this week and made small contributions to projects by [[http://beyondthespoken.eu/|Barbara Raes]] and [[https://stephenbarrass.com/2016/01/18/chemo-singing-bowl/|Stephen Barras]]. Both of them were related to what I'm currently writing about, so I didn't mind. With Stephen I edited the artist statement for the Chemo Singing Bowl, to be presented at the [[https://stephenbarrass.com/2016/09/03/out-of-hand-materialising-the-digital/|Out of Hand festival]] in Sydney. It's the first that my body has been included as the "co-artist" in an exhibition. Stephen created the beautiful  [[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/282454508_Diagnosing_blood_pressure_with_Acoustic_Sonification_singing_bowls|Diagnostic Singing Bowl]] (pictured above) using CAD based on my blood pressure data during chemo and bevacizumab treatments in 2009-2010. For Barbara I wrote the following testimonial of the ritual she guided for me just before my surgery last June:
 <blockquote>Vorig jaar moest ik afscheid nemen van mijn borsten, een belangrijk symbool van mijn vrouwelijkheid. Een paar dagen vóór mijn bilaterale mastectomie heeft Barbara samen met een groep krachtige vrouwen een bijzonder afscheidsritueel gehouden. Het was een geladen en ontroerende beleving waar ik er helemaal mocht zijn, met mijn gebrekkig lichaam en al mijn zorgen en verdriet. Barbara omhelsde mij bij de ingang en leidde mij door de studio waar ik dagelijks werk. "Ik ben hier voor je" zei ze "ik zal je dragen." En inderdaad, voor een uur lang voelde ik mij door de vrouwelijke oerkrachten van mijn vriendinnen gedragen, onder Barbara’s zachte begeleiding. Onze bibliotheek was omgetoverd naar een groen rustoord; in het midden van de ruimte een nest van kussens en dekens waarop ik mocht liggen. Mijn vriendinnen waren getransformeerd tot de archetypische godinnen. Hun krachten en energie hebben zij als poëtische wensen aan mij geschonken. Ze namen mij mee door een stroom van zintuigelijke ervaringen, waar mijn maelstroom van emoties zonder remmingen mocht razen, tot dat ik de serene stilte van acceptatie had bereikt. De kleuren, geuren, geluiden en strelingen brachten mij tot een alternatief bewustzijn. Mijn lichaam vloeide buiten de oevers van mijn huid, en ik zweefde gewichtsloos, opgehouden door de fluisterende stemmen en warme handen. Het ritueel eindigde in een euforisch vuurspel, opgedragen aan de zonnewende en hernieuwing voor ons allemaal. Ik voelde mijn feminiene vitaliteit ontwaken, zo omringd door mijn glimlachende, stralende zusters. Het was ongelofelijk belangrijk om op zo’n bewuste manier afscheid te nemen van een lichaamsdeel die mij veel vreugde en veel pijn heeft gebracht. Barbara’s rol als ritueel begeleidster was een onschatbare ondersteuning van mijn rouwproces. Zij heeft mij geholpen om aan mijn verlies bestaansrecht te geven. En daarmee veel ruimte voor een nieuw begin. Ik ben haar mateloos dankbaar. </blockquote>