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transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-03-22 19:31] majatransiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-04-08 08:48] (current) maja
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 Yet another pause in the fallow year (where pause means a flurry of fast-paced context-switching activity). A compromise. Meetings, conference calls, design sessions, accounting and administration. [[http://fo.am/tasting-fieldwork/|Promotion]] and [[http://lib.fo.am/hosting/december_2016|documentation]]. Scheduling. Work-related travel, with one Eurostar journey which lasted over eight hours (instead of two), due to suspected stowaways on the roof of the train and the convoluted incompatibilities between high-speed and regular train lines in Belgium. My final post-op checkup of 2016. A series of rushed farewells. Perseverance keeping emotional swings in check. From tension to hope, frustration to affection. Yet another pause in the fallow year (where pause means a flurry of fast-paced context-switching activity). A compromise. Meetings, conference calls, design sessions, accounting and administration. [[http://fo.am/tasting-fieldwork/|Promotion]] and [[http://lib.fo.am/hosting/december_2016|documentation]]. Scheduling. Work-related travel, with one Eurostar journey which lasted over eight hours (instead of two), due to suspected stowaways on the roof of the train and the convoluted incompatibilities between high-speed and regular train lines in Belgium. My final post-op checkup of 2016. A series of rushed farewells. Perseverance keeping emotional swings in check. From tension to hope, frustration to affection.
  
-The week began with Rasa, Nik and I finally deciding to let go of our beautiful, yet entropic studio space, likely sometime in the spring of 2017 (legalities and details TBC). The week ended with the bittersweet aftertaste of our last FoAM apero as a "kunstenwerkplaats". I spent most of my time wrapping up past commitments and consolidating plans for the near future.+The week began with Rasa, Nik and I finally deciding to let go of our beautiful, yet entropic studio space, likely sometime in the spring of 2017 (legalities and details TBC). The week ended with the bittersweet aftertaste of our last FoAM apero as a "kunstenwerkplaats". I spent most of my time wrapping up past commitments and consolidating plans for the near future. 
  
-The post-fallow stage of my transiency - the re-integration - has begun gradually filling with a series of experiments. From March to July 2017 my calendar includes bursts of collaborative activities (workshops, events, design sessions) interspersed with longer periods of solitary work, in Belgium and abroad. It looks like a comfortable rhythm, but doesn’t have much space for adding anything unplanned, ad-hoc or serendipitous collaborations. Instead, the first half of the year is about re-affirmation of existing working relationships, which Nik and I would like to continue in our new guise of a transient FoAM studio. For the rest of the year, I’d like to keep enough (head)space and balance between vision and adaptation to respond in interesting ways to whatever might emerge.+I sent a message to the mailing list of the [[:/hosting/start|hosting community]], after staying away for a few months. I wrote, "After some distance, I feel the need for clarity and conscious closure (of a phase, scope, involvement...), which is difficult to do in isolation. So I was wondering if there would be interest and energy to come together once more with everyone who was involved in 2016 to reconcile different perspectives, learn from the past and allow those who want to continue to do so in a spirit of friendship, that was for me the strength of the group at its inception. What do you think?" My message met with complete silence. One person replied off-list that she wants to meet with me alone. For the rest, nothing. As if I'm talking to a void. I think the time has come for me to completely let go of this group. Otherwise I will just keep reopening old wounds. Neither leaving nor staying doesn't seem fair. In fact both seem cowardly. Still, if I check my "energy accounting", it feels like all that I have poured into this group for nearly four years has drained away into negative space in the last six months. I will have to ritually close this chapter on my own, as difficult as it may be to do in isolation. It makes me wonder if the "process facilitation" working group that emerged from this community can be any different. I hope so, but I'm a bit more reluctant to throw myself into it wholeheartedly.  
 + 
 +To end this entry on a more positive note, post-fallow stage of my transiency - the re-integration - has begun gradually filling with a series of experiments. From March to July 2017 my calendar includes bursts of collaborative activities (workshops, events, design sessions) interspersed with longer periods of solitary work, in Belgium and abroad. It looks like a comfortable rhythm, but doesn’t have much space for adding anything unplanned, ad-hoc or serendipitous collaborations. Instead, the first half of the year is about re-affirmation of existing working relationships, which Nik and I would like to continue in our new guise of a transient FoAM studio. For the rest of the year, I’d like to keep enough (head)space and balance between vision and adaptation to respond in interesting ways to whatever might emerge.
  
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-It’s the 11th of November today. Remembrance day. In London I saw many people wearing poppies on their collars in memory of WWI. I wonder how many of those people agree with Theresa May’s creed. Have they forgotten or do they refuse to see the parallels? Does their present seem so unique and their actions so much more evolved and insightful? Do they think no one tried similar thing before (and failed)? Similar questions arose from being back at the FoAM studio. Repeating patterns and energetic blockages. The pain of indecision, loss and detachment. Not wanting to hurt the people I care about, but also not wanting to deny the reality of my own unfulfilled needs. Yet my mere presence may make the hurt inevitable. I felt something in me die, sinking in the magma of collective [[https://www.youtube.com/embed/9Ll3TaVmIfk|amnesia]]. Whatever it was, may it rest in peace through the winter months, to become a fertile compost for something fresh and wondrous next spring…+It’s the 11th of November today. Remembrance day. In London I saw many people wearing poppies on their collars in memory of WWI. I wonder how many of those people agree with Theresa May’s creed. Have they forgotten or do they refuse to see the parallels? Does their present seem so unique and their actions so much more evolved and insightful? Do they think no one tried similar thing before (and failed)? Similar questions arose from being back at the FoAM studio. Repeating patterns and energetic blockages. The pain of indecision, loss and detachment. Not wanting to hurt the people I care about, but also not wanting to deny the reality of my own  needs. Yet my mere presence may make the hurt inevitable. I felt something in me die, sinking in the magma of collective [[https://www.youtube.com/embed/9Ll3TaVmIfk|amnesia]]. Whatever it was, may it rest in peace through the winter months, to become a fertile compost for something fresh and wondrous next spring…
  
  
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 I put quite some time and mental energy into writing up a description of {{ :hosting:integrativeprocessfacilitation.pdf |integrative process facilitation}} with some of the hosting community. It felt right to do this as part of my transiency. Process facilitation is one of things from FoAM’s past that make sense for me to continue in our next phase. Working on the text and diagrams helped me clarify exactly what it is that I want to be doing, and how my skills and interest can be complementary with others in the group. I think this working group has potential to become a true community of practice. Our respective (un)availability and travel schedules still remain a challenge, which could be remedied if there were means for us to work intensively on projects for short periods as well as having a way to maintain momentum when we’re not directly working together. It’s a bit like the FoAM network… Working directly on such challenges though is something for after my transiency. For now, I’ll use the description of the work in my scoping conversations with potential clients and partners.  I put quite some time and mental energy into writing up a description of {{ :hosting:integrativeprocessfacilitation.pdf |integrative process facilitation}} with some of the hosting community. It felt right to do this as part of my transiency. Process facilitation is one of things from FoAM’s past that make sense for me to continue in our next phase. Working on the text and diagrams helped me clarify exactly what it is that I want to be doing, and how my skills and interest can be complementary with others in the group. I think this working group has potential to become a true community of practice. Our respective (un)availability and travel schedules still remain a challenge, which could be remedied if there were means for us to work intensively on projects for short periods as well as having a way to maintain momentum when we’re not directly working together. It’s a bit like the FoAM network… Working directly on such challenges though is something for after my transiency. For now, I’ll use the description of the work in my scoping conversations with potential clients and partners. 
  
-What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.+What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… 
  
-Aside from working with the process facilitation group and designing a ritual for [[:hosting/october_2016|unmotherhood]], the (ambiguity of the) [[:/hosting/start|hosting community]] and the utterly draining [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] (and its aftermath) have plunged me into an incomprehensible emotional disaster. I have been accused - by one of my closest friends - of blocking her and other people's personal and professional developmentof being aggressive and angryof not allowing anyone to help me or to step upof blaming on others without ever bothering to look into myself, of disregarding my friends' support in my illness, of having extremely negative energy that pushes people away and is destroying the hosting groupet ceteraWhat I hoped it would be the first ever reading from my cancer memoir to a group of compassionate friends lead to heartbreaking misunderstanding (with its roots in the previous hosting gatherings) which can't grasp nor resolve because my friend is refusing to speak to me and half of the group isn't responding to my emails any more. +Context switching wasn’t the most difficult thing in September though. That place was reserved for my ambiguous relationship with the hosting community. In JuneI enjoyed preparing gatherings the way I like to experience them, which was perceived as walking over people and not fulfilling their needs. When I tried to share my own needs and doubts, they were met with accusations that I'm bringing bad energy to the group, taking responsibility away from others and not allowing them to help me. I listened to the critique and stepped as far back as I could to make space for others to step up. A few people organised the community [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] in SeptemberWhile noticed the same mistakes I used to make as novice retreat organiserI let them "pass over me and through me", not wanting to criticise or come across as taking over again. InsteadI focused on doing exactly what was asked of me. I showed up as a participant and hosted a session I wanted to experiment with. For methis was [[:hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]]. 
 + 
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 + 
 +I was looking forward to extracting parts of my memoir and translating them into a participatory session. The session included readings interspersed with short meditations. I spent a few days designing it and felt quite inspired. I wanted to share the practices which have helped me in my darkestmost difficult moments. I had hoped that they could be as helpful to other people. I also wanted to share my writing with people who I felt close to.  
 + 
 +As guiding theme I took the title of Treya and Ken Wilber’s book [[Grace and Grit]]. I described seven episodes from the last seven years of my life, where the 'grit' of dis-ease become fertile ground for grace. I focused on mind training - particularly in meditation and rituals - as way to experience grace in the midst of the grit chronic illness. was curious to see if/how this could work in terms of content and format. I decided not talk about all aspects of my illness, but to focus on the theme I found most relevant to the re-treat, namely the connection between illness and contemplation.  
 + 
 +With all my good intentions, I did not take into account how my selection of excerpts (with a focus on how I helped myself through dis-ease) could inadvertently hurt people who know me. Some felt guilty or even angry at me for not asking for more help, or not sharing enough, or for not acknowledging their contribution to my healing. Others felt remorse for not having done more. One of my closest friends burst into tears and a half-hour tirade of accusations that I have so much rage in me and express it in ways that only hurt others, making them feel incapable and unworthy
  
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-My mother was quite categorical about what should do: "Stop! Enough! Enough of you taking the blame for other people's subjective experienceWhy should even your cancer be about them?! You have done enough. More than enough. You must get away from these people right now or you will crack - physically and psychologically. It seems to me that no matter what you do there is no space for you as you are. Unless you want to change completely and become someone else in order to belong to this group, forget them. It is time for you to leave. Just walk away." Well... For my mother - the epitome of compassion and understanding - to fire a tirade such as this one means that something is truly wrong. am tempted to follow her advicebut at the same time I still can'believe that we can't find ways to heal each other's emotional wounds and grow through conflictIf nothing else, to come together to reconcile our differences (or agree to disagreeand find a way to have conscious closureInstead, all my questions are disappearing into the void of silence and separationThe opposite of "all discomforts and problems should immediately be brought out into the open"which was one of the first principles we came up with. Also, I know that there are some people in this group who do appreciate my contributions and my personality as it isWhy would leave them and all the potential that is still present in (a part) of this groupI hope that some distance will help me find some meaningful answers. If resolution proves impossible, at the very least I hope to find enough equanimity to close this chapter on my own. I want to be able to forgive (myself and others) for causing so much unnecessary suffering.+Regardless to say, I was taken aback. felt ashamed that my very well-meaning actions could cause so much painAgain. At the same time, there was a nagging question arising from somewhere deep inside me - why should even the experience of my own illness be about making other people feel good about themselves? Why is it that whenever I share my most honest feelings, doubts and longing with this (supposedly supportive) group, my words are misinterpreted as an attack and the conversation becomes about other people’s unfulfilled needs? Am I toxic to this group and vice versa? Is it time to leave it all behind? The hosting group and my cancer memoir? Is writing and publishing my memoir only going to cause more grief?  
 + 
 +The re-treat wasn’t the time to resolve such questions, so let go of my worries and immersed myself in the sessions. They were enjoyableyet the retreat itself wasn'flowing (for various reasons). Still, I got to sing a partisan song in a church and to co-design a sonic meditation with StevieI participated in playfulness and contemplationas well as contributed to Barbara’s ritual for [[:hosting/october_2016|unmotherhood]]. The latter was particularly inspiring (especially when we continued developing the design in October). It allowed me to work with my infertility as creative sourceIt’s a delight to be able to translate my personal experience into something meaningful for another person. Rituals, immersive experiences, transmedia stories, gorgeous objects like the [[https://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/albums/72157666070776356|Chemo Singing Bowl]]. It feels like an alchemical process of transforming pain of disease into healing beauty.  
 + 
 +However, the pain that characterises most of my recent interactions with the hosting community needs time to healI won't go into any more details herebut suffice to say that am rather crushed by the experience. I need distance to understand if and how to continue relating to this groupI hope that the distance will help me find some meaningful answers. If resolution proves impossible, at the very least I hope to find enough equanimity to close this chapter on my own.
  
-I didn't elaborate on all that happened with the hosting community on this page, as I wanted to avoid inadvertently offending people. After what happened during the retreat I'm even more sure that some in this group are prone to take my words personally and find them offensive no matter what I write. So I won't write anything about this any more. Suffice to say that I am rather crushed by the experience and that I need distance to understand if and how to continue relating to this group.  
  
 <blockquote> <blockquote>
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 ==Back to Not Holding Back== ==Back to Not Holding Back==
  
-During my transiency, I have uncovered parts of myself which lay dormant or have been held with tight reins for years, while I was running an organisation and supporting dozens of people through their personal, professional, financial and emotional issues. This year I promised myself that I wouldn’t hold back any more. I want to be able to enjoy the flow of my creativity in whatever I do. I should either fully commit to something or not do it at all. At the end of my transiency I want to have a clear(er) sense of purpose, so that I can better prioritise and only work on things I can completely stand behind. I have only a limited number of years to live with dwindling energy, and I can’t allow myself to be so drained any more. +During my transiency, I have uncovered parts of myself which lay dormant or have been held with tight reins for years, while I was running an organisation and supporting dozens of people through their personal, professional, financial and emotional issues. This year I promised myself that I wouldn’t hold back any more. I want to be able to enjoy the flow of my creativity in whatever I do. I should either fully commit to something or not do it at all. At the end of my transiency I want to have a clear(er) sense of purpose, so that I can better prioritise and only work on things I can completely stand behind. For three weeks in September I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.I have only a limited number of years to live with dwindling energy, and I can’t allow myself to be so drained any more. 
  
 <blockquote>… it’s not about the joy, it’s about the work, and there has to be some kind of joy in the work, some kind from among the many kinds, including the joy of hard truths told honestly. Carpenters don’t say, I’m just not feeling it today, or I don’t give a damn about this staircase and whether people fall through it; how you feel is something that you cannot take too seriously on your way to doing something, and doing something is a means of not being stuck in how you feel. That is, there’s a kind of introspection that’s wallowing and being stuck, and there’s a kind that gets beyond that into something more interesting and then maybe takes you out into the world or into the place where deepest interior and cosmological phenomena are at last talking to each other. <blockquote>… it’s not about the joy, it’s about the work, and there has to be some kind of joy in the work, some kind from among the many kinds, including the joy of hard truths told honestly. Carpenters don’t say, I’m just not feeling it today, or I don’t give a damn about this staircase and whether people fall through it; how you feel is something that you cannot take too seriously on your way to doing something, and doing something is a means of not being stuck in how you feel. That is, there’s a kind of introspection that’s wallowing and being stuck, and there’s a kind that gets beyond that into something more interesting and then maybe takes you out into the world or into the place where deepest interior and cosmological phenomena are at last talking to each other.
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 An enjoyable, mundane week filled with context switching bits-and-pieces. Random acts of (FoAM) admin. A lovely dinner with the core team (& De Wel boys), catching up on our transiency processes and summer plans. Meeting with [[https://www.linkedin.com/in/yin-lei-zhang-41b6301b|Yin Lei Zhang]] about her work on linking community development and urban interventions, and her interest to become a part of FoAM (if only I had met her a few years ago when we were looking for someone to take over from FoAM bxl...). The first ultrasound of my 'new' breast tissue, which looks like the refraction in one of the images below, including dark circles of benign cysts. I was a bit taken aback, as I thought I would never see cysts in my breasts again. Apparently it's normal to have cysts in reconstructions with fat tissue, which are caused by the necrosis of fat cells. Ah well... I had my second-to-last lasering and one of the many check-ups with the onco-surgeon (all fine). Autumn planning and travel booking. Idle weekend. An enjoyable, mundane week filled with context switching bits-and-pieces. Random acts of (FoAM) admin. A lovely dinner with the core team (& De Wel boys), catching up on our transiency processes and summer plans. Meeting with [[https://www.linkedin.com/in/yin-lei-zhang-41b6301b|Yin Lei Zhang]] about her work on linking community development and urban interventions, and her interest to become a part of FoAM (if only I had met her a few years ago when we were looking for someone to take over from FoAM bxl...). The first ultrasound of my 'new' breast tissue, which looks like the refraction in one of the images below, including dark circles of benign cysts. I was a bit taken aback, as I thought I would never see cysts in my breasts again. Apparently it's normal to have cysts in reconstructions with fat tissue, which are caused by the necrosis of fat cells. Ah well... I had my second-to-last lasering and one of the many check-ups with the onco-surgeon (all fine). Autumn planning and travel booking. Idle weekend.
  
-Documentation for the hosting community was the cantus firmus of the week, appearing betwixt-and-between my other activities. While most people I work with find post-event documentation a tedious task, it helps me to make sense of experiences and discussions, to distill what's important to remember. Once I take sufficient distance from human interaction I can fully focus on the content. Off-topic details and emotional colouring fade away, allowing the essence to bubble up to the surface. The [[:/hosting/activity mapping|Activity mapping]] is beginning to take shape. My perspective on the difficulties changed when I rephrased my [[:/hosting/july_2016#conundrums|conundrums into constructive questions]]. Writing about the activities for which I'm a 'steward', helped me get more clarity what I'd like to do. The descriptions are still sketches, and perhaps not all of them will materialise, but at least it's becoming a little less vague what I'd like to do with this community:+Documentation for the hosting community was the cantus firmus of the week, appearing betwixt-and-between my other activities. While most people I work with find post-event documentation a tedious task, it helps me to make sense of experiences and discussions, to distill what's important to remember. Once I take sufficient distance from human interaction I can fully focus on the content. Off-topic details and emotional colouring fade away, allowing the essence to bubble up to the surface. The [[:/hosting/activity mapping|Activity mapping]] is beginning to take shape. My perspective on the difficulties changed when I rephrased my [[:/hosting/july_2016#conundrums|conundrums into constructive questions]]
 + 
 +  * How can we, in this community, find a good flow between creative and receptive energies, between collective, goal-driven activities and supporting/nurturing individual members (think of the flow in the yin-yang symbol)? 
 + 
 +  * How can we co-create a light and clear community structure to avoid the "tyranny of structurelessness" (see quote below), allowing the group to become agile and adaptive? 
 + 
 +  * How do we balance the drive to hang out together and co-create new activities with the "time & money" pressure the individual members are struggling with? 
 + 
 +  * How can we be available, committed, reliable and punctual, so that we can enjoy "being and doing" together? So that the logistics and co-ordination tasks can be evenly and effectively distributed and exchanged, while also having time to socialise, celebrate and relax, i.e. enjoy each others' company? 
 + 
 + 
 +Writing about the activities for which I'm a 'steward', helped me get more clarity what I'd like to do. The descriptions are still sketches, and perhaps not all of them will materialise, but at least it's becoming a little less vague what I'd like to do with this community:
   * [[:/hosting/process_facilitation|Process facilitation]]. Great to finally put something in writing regarding my/our/FoAM's approach to this promising income-generating avenue...   * [[:/hosting/process_facilitation|Process facilitation]]. Great to finally put something in writing regarding my/our/FoAM's approach to this promising income-generating avenue...
   * [[:/hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]], for me an interesting link between writing, public speaking, experience design and facilitation, where I could transform my personal experience with illness into something that could help people in difficult situations   * [[:/hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]], for me an interesting link between writing, public speaking, experience design and facilitation, where I could transform my personal experience with illness into something that could help people in difficult situations
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-Amidst such inner investigations, I was also dealing with medical checkups and planning, FoAM admin, entertaining friends, writing an article, designing and participating in the [[:/hosting/july_2016|hosting gathering]]. The latter was definitely a creative challenge: how to bring up my (rather emotional) conundrums including tyranny of structurelessness and imbalance of nurturing and creative energy, without derailing the flow. I only wanted to bring the issues out in the open to acknowledge they exist, but it was not the right time to deal with them. I mentioned in the check-in that I brought my ritual dagger, which I wanted to use to "pin down my own pain of insight" at the end of the day -  //"… to bind and pin down negative energies or obscurations from the mindstream of an entity, person or thoughtform, including the thoughtform generated by a group, project and so on, to administer purification."// ([[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C4%ABla_(Buddhism)|Wikipedia on Vajrakīla]])+Amidst such inner investigations, I was also dealing with medical checkups and planning, FoAM admin, entertaining friends, writing an article, designing and participating in the [[:/hosting/july_2016|hosting gathering]]. The latter was definitely a creative challenge: how to bring up my (rather emotional) conundrums about the detrimental effects of my involvement with this group, without derailing the flow. I only wanted to bring my doubts out in the open to acknowledge they exist, without needing to resolve them immediately. I brought my ritual dagger to  //"… to bind and pin down negative energies or obscurations from the mindstream of an entity, person or thoughtform, including the thoughtform generated by a group, project and so on, to administer purification."// ([[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C4%ABla_(Buddhism)|Wikipedia on Vajrakīla]]). I mentioned that I used the dagger in my meditations over the last week, to try untangle why I recently felt so uncomfortable about my involvement with the hosting group.
  
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-As I was "binding my negative energy" and describing my [[hosting/july_2016#conundrums|conundrums]] in the closing circlepeople felt the need to "help", defend themselves or prove me wrongA known impulse in situations when well meaning feedback is taken personallywhen it is easier to give advice than to sit with the discomfort. I find advice in such moments completely counterproductive (it makes me feel incompetent)but was too caught up in the whirlwind of hosting and participating (aware of the time slipping away) to recognise what was going on while it was happening. I did what I needed to do, but not exactly in the way was hoping to. It’s all part of the practice…+While the dagger meditation helped me get claritybringing it to the gathering was perceived as threatening and aggressive by others. This seems to be a recurring issue for me (with some people) in this groupMy honest and heartfelt actions are experienced as too forceful or even domineering. After the session I hosted in early Juneno one took initiative to facilitate the next gatheringAll the while kept thinking about the participants' reaction at the end of the "zoom-out" session - they wanted to work on developing activities rather than discussing the big picture. As the day of the gathering was coming closer, I sent an email to our mailing list: "As a hosting "community of practice", our primary purpose is to support our individual and collective hosting practices - through discussion, advice, testing, co-hosting and co-creation. We could use the upcoming gathering see what this would be like - in practice. Rather than talking about how the community could work - we could try it out in an open space sessionAnyone who would like to discuss, test, or co-create an activity can host a session, lasting from 30-90 minutes. Before we begin the open space session, I'd like to do a mapping exerciseto get an overview of existing and potential activities/practices that each of us would like to contribute to the group. We can possibly use this map to come up with a set of criteria for inclusion of activities." No one objected, so proceeded to design the gathering on my ownI prepared substantial framing, as there were several people who had missed a couple of previous sessions. The preparation also helped me synthesize everything we discussed over the last six months. 
  
-My conundrums about the hosting community:+In the middle of my framing, a couple of people began crying in response to my suggestion that we map only those activities that people are truly committed to. I hoped to avoid a big swamp of possible projects that we wouldn't have time realise. I have seen other groups (including FoAM) become discouraged when faced with too many interesting initiatives. How to choose? How to prioritise? What principles or criteria can guide meaningful selections? People in the hosting group were reluctant to work with abstract concepts as success factors and change drivers. That's fine. I thought that in this gathering we could try a different approach. We could be guided by the individuals' intuition or "gut-feeling" to distill the activities we'd like to work on. I was excited about experimenting with this approach. In my excitement, I forgot myself and used my forthright Balkan/Dutch way of speaking, with no gloves on. What a horrible mistake that was. My enthusiasm and directness was experienced as brute force. I felt as if I was clumsy bulldozer with broken brakes. Even though no one said much to me at the time, later (and behind my back) I was accused of not trusting people, of not taking their needs into account and of blocking their personal growth by my "hostile takeover"
 +While I didn't know exactly what people thought, I felt a great amount of hostility towards me, which I couldn't place at the time. I paused, sat down and listened. What ensued was an emotional check-in that lasted until lunch time. 
  
-  * How can wein this communityfind good flow between creative and receptive energiesbetween collective, goal-driven activities and supporting/nurturing individual members (think of the flow in the yin-yang symbol)?+I saw myself fading into nothingness. I was a facilitatortherefore I did what the group needed. The problem is that I am as much a part of this groupbut my needs are at odds with the others. My habitual behaviour came back with vengeance. I halt my own creative process as soon as someone else has an emotional problem. I put myself in the backseat. I feel guilty and ashamedblame myself for all that happened even for other people's reactions. In this state, I did everything I could to slow down, to smooth the situation and find a compromise. The day picked up, but we did less than half of what we planned. I’m not sure if this is the best way to work with a group for whom "time and money" is one of the key success factors. Regardless, I was hoping to talk through some of this over dinner, but people began leaving even before the end of the last session. As I was walking home I realised that I felt worse than I did in months. It began by being blocked and deflated. In the evening and for a couple of days later, I went through the usual limbic fight/flight reactions: blaming myself, blaming others, wanting to leave the group and even to leave Belgium.
  
-  * How can we co-create a light and clear community structure to avoid the "tyranny of structurelessness" (see quote below)allowing the group to become agile and adaptive?+Through various meditation, primarily on compassion and forgiveness, I realised that I care too much to just leave. InsteadI chose to share my painful emotions, insights and conundrums with the group. And I brought the dagger to pin down my own negative energy and transform it into something else. Another mistake.
  
-  * How do we balance the drive to hang out together and co-create new activities with the "time & money" pressure the individual members are struggling with?+As I was describing my [[hosting/july_2016#conundrums|conundrums]] in the closing circle, people felt the need to "help", defend themselves or prove me wrong. A known impulse in situations when well meaning (but emotionally laden) feedback is taken personally, when it is easier to give advice than to sit with the discomfort. I find advice in such moments completely counterproductive (it makes me feel incompetent). Unfortunately I was too caught up in the whirlwind of hosting and participating (aware of the time slipping away and people having to catch trains). I didn't recognise what was going on while it was happening. Everyone, including me, was becoming defensive. This wasn't what I hoped for. Perhaps I was naively taking the group's commitment to honesty about our doubts too literally. Perhaps our ways of working and communicating are not as compatible as we thought. Perhaps our various insecurities and emotional baggage are clouding our judgement. Perhaps we just can't truly listen to each other at the moment. Or perhaps it was simply my raw and unskillful delivery of concerns that came across as judgement. If so, I am truly sorry. I hope to get a chance to creatively resolve these conundrums together. For me, it's all a part of the practice…
  
-  * How can we be available, committed, reliable and punctual, so that we can enjoy "being and doing" together? So that the logistics and co-ordination tasks can be evenly and effectively distributed and exchanged, while also having time to socialise, celebrate and relax, i.eenjoy each others' company?+{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29188681244/}}\\
  
  
-While we were cleaning up, Kathleen came back from the metro a few minutes after she left, having witnessed someone jumping under the train. This refocused everyone’s attention. Stevie and I had planned to improvise a guided meditation which didn’t happen during the Open Space, but it now it seemed more than appropriate. +While we were cleaning up, Kathleen came back from the metro a few minutes after she left, having witnessed someone jumping under the train. This refocused everyone’s attention. Stevie and I had planned to improvise a guided meditation which didn’t happen earlier, but it now it seemed more than appropriate. 
  
 Stevie played the hurdy-gurdy while I spoke, asking questions that I asked myself in the difficult month of June: What does distress feel like? What’s underneath this feeling? What does this difficult situation want to teach me? What does it tell me about this moment? What do I notice right now? What if I had only a year to live? A month? A day? An hour? Just a few moments? What would really matter? We closed by acknowledging the preciousness of being alive. Letting everything else fade into the background, as Stevie's sound gradually faded into silence. Stevie played the hurdy-gurdy while I spoke, asking questions that I asked myself in the difficult month of June: What does distress feel like? What’s underneath this feeling? What does this difficult situation want to teach me? What does it tell me about this moment? What do I notice right now? What if I had only a year to live? A month? A day? An hour? Just a few moments? What would really matter? We closed by acknowledging the preciousness of being alive. Letting everything else fade into the background, as Stevie's sound gradually faded into silence.
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 {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/zzkt/26988109424/}}\\ {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/zzkt/26988109424/}}\\
  
-I think I might have found the crux of my creative challenge for the coming years: to find ways where the "intense interaction" between creative and receptive energies (i.e. the dots in the yin-yang symbol) can produce flow rather than blockages and resistance. Where creation nurtures and nurturing creates. I know it works well when they’re separated (as it more-or-less did at FoAM from 2013 onwards). I know it’s trouble when one overshadows the other. It works best when the two are seamlessly and intensely entangled, spiralling, flowing from one to the other. +I think I might have found the crux of my "spiritual" practice for the coming years: to find ways where the "intense interaction" between creative and receptive energies (i.e. the dots in the yin-yang symbol) can produce flow rather than blockages and resistance. Where creation nurtures and nurturing creates. I know it works well when they’re separated (as it more-or-less did at FoAM from 2013 onwards). I know it’s trouble when one overshadows the other. It works best when the two are seamlessly and intensely entangled, spiralling, flowing from one to the other. 
  
 <blockquote> <blockquote>
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 I dragged myself out of bed, looking forward to seeing Vali for morning tea. We only exchanged a few work emails since last year. Our conversations usually energise me, but this time our meeting drained the last remnants of my already depleted energy. A work-related disagreement which we left unresolved since last autumn has begun threatening our friendship. We had to talk it through, both of us shivering and with tears in our eyes. It's so difficult to mix professional and personal relationships when we don't live in the same city. Rebuilding trust and respect for each other as collaborators is tricky to do at a distance. Regardless, we parted agreeing to see our situation as a creative challenge, to experiment with different ways to resolve the conflict and try to regain trust and motivation to work together. This could help us both get better at dealing with conflict at work, as well as be more able to resolve disputes in groups we're hosting. I dragged myself out of bed, looking forward to seeing Vali for morning tea. We only exchanged a few work emails since last year. Our conversations usually energise me, but this time our meeting drained the last remnants of my already depleted energy. A work-related disagreement which we left unresolved since last autumn has begun threatening our friendship. We had to talk it through, both of us shivering and with tears in our eyes. It's so difficult to mix professional and personal relationships when we don't live in the same city. Rebuilding trust and respect for each other as collaborators is tricky to do at a distance. Regardless, we parted agreeing to see our situation as a creative challenge, to experiment with different ways to resolve the conflict and try to regain trust and motivation to work together. This could help us both get better at dealing with conflict at work, as well as be more able to resolve disputes in groups we're hosting.
  
-The rest of the day I spent preparing for the [[:/hosting/June_2016|hosting gathering]], propped up by copious amounts of the First Flush Darjeeling. A while ago I asked Nik to host this gathering with me, to which he initially agreed, but then pulled out. I had been trying to involve Nik in the [[:/hosting/start|hosting group]] because I miss his input and because if he wants to continue occasionally hosting, this group can support his practice too. However, I realised that I'm perpetuating an old FoAM pattern of treating collaborators as family members: involving everyone in everything. In the past this has lead to problems and a resolution to only work with people who are have the appropriate capabilities and are fully committed to an activity. So I left Nik to his own fallow processes. I designed the session on my own and asked for help from the other willing participants. On Friday morning I woke up so tired that I wondered how I was going to make it through the day. It went better than I expectedin that I remained on my feet until 8PM, when finally collapsed on the couch. I wasn't so happy with my hosting, but with this group of people I don't feel the pressure to always be at my best. I can be honest about my vulnerabilities, ask for support and not feel continuously judged. What a relief! However, as soon as I feel the relief, my doubting devil raises its objections: what if vulnerability comes at the expense of qualityHow can I rely on myself and others, if we are so willing to accept each othersweaknesses? The wellbeing of the individuals is of foremost importance, the quality of the work is secondary. What seems to be the strength of the community internally, could become its weakness externally. How can we be vulnerable yet reliable, caring yet constructively critical? It's a delicate balance...+The rest of the day I spent preparing for the [[:/hosting/June_2016|hosting gathering]], propped up by copious amounts of the new harvest of the First Flush Darjeeling. A while ago I asked Nik to host this gathering with me, to which he initially agreed, but then pulled out. I had been trying to involve Nik in the [[:/hosting/start|hosting group]] because I miss his input and because if he wants to continue occasionally hosting, this group can support his practice too. However, I realised that I'm perpetuating an old FoAM pattern of treating collaborators as family members: involving everyone in everything. In the past this has lead to problems and a resolution to only work with people who are have the appropriate capabilities and are fully committed to an activity. So I left Nik to his own fallow processes. I designed the session on my own and asked for help from the other willing participants.  
 + 
 +Most of the hosting gatherings so far were focused inward - on the people involved and activities that we'd like to do for ourselves. The number of (potential) activities has proliferated, as usual with such inspired and motivated groups. At the end of our session in April, I suggested that I'd like to try to host a gathering in which we could look outward for a while. To investigate what might be the relationships between internal and external factors or driving forces in this group. In my past experiences with FoAM, Marine CoLAB and other collaborative groups, it helped to zoom in and out, over and over again. It was beneficial to keep aligning intuitive responses with wider (societal) concerns. I've also experienced that when the two are out of balance, things don't work out. Too much inward-orientation becomes incomprehensible and alienating navel-gazing, too much outward orientation leads to cold strategic games (both extremely draining). So, I suggested to try a zoom-out session which could inform the co-creation of new activities. People agreed. 
 + 
 +{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/27053156923/}}\\ 
 + 
 +On Friday morning I woke up so tired that I wondered how I was going to make it through the day. It went better than I expected in that I remained on my feet until 8PM. Howeverit seems that what find exciting about "zooming out" isn't shared with most others in the group. That's all right, it was an experiment which didn't work out as well as I hoped. People want to dive into the activities that excite them. Fair enough. I wasn't so happy with my hosting, but with this group of people I don't feel the pressure to always be at my best. We agreed that we would be honest about our vulnerabilities and misgivings, ask for support and not judge. What a relief! As soon as I feel the relief though, my doubting devil raises its objections: what if the individuals' vulnerabilities and desires become the driving force at the expense of the collectiveThat's a very well known pattern to me. I've experienced its detrimental effects it in FoAM's past. Can we rely on each other when the going gets tough? I'm doubting whether what seems to be the strength of the community internally, could become its weakness when working externally. This might become a challenge: how can we be vulnerable yet reliable, caring yet constructively critical? It's a delicate balance...
  
-While the hosting community is a promising avenue, it can only be one part of my work. I realised that I miss the more scientific, technological and philosophical angles that are more prominent at FoAM (or at least in my vision of what FoAM should be like). Hence, I agree with the rest of the group that it's better that we see the hosting community as a FoAM spin-off rather than a continuation of FoAM bxl. It's interesting for me to work on something that I know is not going to fill all my available time. In the last 15 years, FoAM has been so all-encompassing that I couldn't do anything else. I like to be absorbed in my work, so that fragmenting it across different entities sounds like trouble. Would I end up giving 120% to each of the entities, and making it even worse than it has been with "just" FoAM? Or perhaps working with different groups of people in different contexts will "heal" this unsustainable way of working.+While the hosting community seems like a promising avenue, it can only be one part of my work. I realised that I miss the more scientific, technological and philosophical angles that are more prominent at FoAM (or at least in my vision of what FoAM should be like). Hence, I agree with the rest of the group that it's better that we see the hosting community as a FoAM spin-off rather than a continuation of FoAM bxl. It's interesting for me to work on something that I know is not going to fill all my available time. In the last 15 years, FoAM has been so all-encompassing that I couldn't do anything else. I like to be absorbed in my work, so that fragmenting it across different entities sounds like trouble. Would I end up giving 120% to each of the entities, and making it even worse than it has been with "just" FoAM? Or perhaps working with different groups of people in different contexts will change my way of working
  
-At the moment, just writing "working with different groups of people" makes me weary. If I look back at the last 7 years, I seem to be most energised when I work as a hermit, on my own (or with Nik), only occasionally having bursts of collaborative work with bigger groups. I always saw my hermitism as a temporary escape, but what if this would become my primary modus operandi in the long term? What kind of work could I do this way to be able to support myself financially? Could I do this as part of FoAM (which would be my preference)? Alternatively, should I seriously start to think about a PhD, a writing fellowship, a book deal, or a research position+At the moment, just writing down "working with different groups of people" makes me weary. If I look back at the last 7 years, I seem to be most energised when I work as a hermit, on my own (or with Nik), only occasionally having bursts of collaborative work with bigger groups. I always saw my hermitism as a temporary escape, but what if this would become my primary modus operandi in the long term? What kind of work could I do this way to be able to support myself financially? Could I do this as part of FoAM (which would be my preference)? Alternatively, should I seriously start to think about a PhD, a writing fellowship, a research position, or forming FoAM studio with just Nik and me
  
  
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 {{::writing-retreat-w2.png|}} {{::writing-retreat-w2.png|}}
  
-I made two exceptions this week and made small contributions to projects by [[http://beyondthespoken.eu/|Barbara Raes]] and [[https://stephenbarrass.com/2016/01/18/chemo-singing-bowl/|Stephen Barras]]. Both of them were related to what I'm currently writing about, so I didn't mind. With Stephen I edited the artist statement for the Chemo Singing Bowl. It's the first that my body has been included as the "co-artist" in an exhibition. Stephen created the beautiful  [[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/282454508_Diagnosing_blood_pressure_with_Acoustic_Sonification_singing_bowls|Diagnostic Singing Bowl]] (pictured above) using CAD based on my blood pressure data during chemo and bevacizumab treatments in 2009-2010. For Barbara I wrote the following testimonial of the ritual she guided for me just before my surgery last June:+I made two exceptions this week and made small contributions to projects by [[http://beyondthespoken.eu/|Barbara Raes]] and [[https://stephenbarrass.com/2016/01/18/chemo-singing-bowl/|Stephen Barras]]. Both of them were related to what I'm currently writing about, so I didn't mind. With Stephen I edited the artist statement for the Chemo Singing Bowl, to be presented at the [[https://stephenbarrass.com/2016/09/03/out-of-hand-materialising-the-digital/|Out of Hand festival]] in Sydney. It's the first that my body has been included as the "co-artist" in an exhibition. Stephen created the beautiful  [[https://www.researchgate.net/publication/282454508_Diagnosing_blood_pressure_with_Acoustic_Sonification_singing_bowls|Diagnostic Singing Bowl]] (pictured above) using CAD based on my blood pressure data during chemo and bevacizumab treatments in 2009-2010. For Barbara I wrote the following testimonial of the ritual she guided for me just before my surgery last June:
  
 <blockquote>Vorig jaar moest ik afscheid nemen van mijn borsten, een belangrijk symbool van mijn vrouwelijkheid. Een paar dagen vóór mijn bilaterale mastectomie heeft Barbara samen met een groep krachtige vrouwen een bijzonder afscheidsritueel gehouden. Het was een geladen en ontroerende beleving waar ik er helemaal mocht zijn, met mijn gebrekkig lichaam en al mijn zorgen en verdriet. Barbara omhelsde mij bij de ingang en leidde mij door de studio waar ik dagelijks werk. "Ik ben hier voor je" zei ze "ik zal je dragen." En inderdaad, voor een uur lang voelde ik mij door de vrouwelijke oerkrachten van mijn vriendinnen gedragen, onder Barbara’s zachte begeleiding. Onze bibliotheek was omgetoverd naar een groen rustoord; in het midden van de ruimte een nest van kussens en dekens waarop ik mocht liggen. Mijn vriendinnen waren getransformeerd tot de archetypische godinnen. Hun krachten en energie hebben zij als poëtische wensen aan mij geschonken. Ze namen mij mee door een stroom van zintuigelijke ervaringen, waar mijn maelstroom van emoties zonder remmingen mocht razen, tot dat ik de serene stilte van acceptatie had bereikt. De kleuren, geuren, geluiden en strelingen brachten mij tot een alternatief bewustzijn. Mijn lichaam vloeide buiten de oevers van mijn huid, en ik zweefde gewichtsloos, opgehouden door de fluisterende stemmen en warme handen. Het ritueel eindigde in een euforisch vuurspel, opgedragen aan de zonnewende en hernieuwing voor ons allemaal. Ik voelde mijn feminiene vitaliteit ontwaken, zo omringd door mijn glimlachende, stralende zusters. Het was ongelofelijk belangrijk om op zo’n bewuste manier afscheid te nemen van een lichaamsdeel die mij veel vreugde en veel pijn heeft gebracht. Barbara’s rol als ritueel begeleidster was een onschatbare ondersteuning van mijn rouwproces. Zij heeft mij geholpen om aan mijn verlies bestaansrecht te geven. En daarmee veel ruimte voor een nieuw begin. Ik ben haar mateloos dankbaar. </blockquote> <blockquote>Vorig jaar moest ik afscheid nemen van mijn borsten, een belangrijk symbool van mijn vrouwelijkheid. Een paar dagen vóór mijn bilaterale mastectomie heeft Barbara samen met een groep krachtige vrouwen een bijzonder afscheidsritueel gehouden. Het was een geladen en ontroerende beleving waar ik er helemaal mocht zijn, met mijn gebrekkig lichaam en al mijn zorgen en verdriet. Barbara omhelsde mij bij de ingang en leidde mij door de studio waar ik dagelijks werk. "Ik ben hier voor je" zei ze "ik zal je dragen." En inderdaad, voor een uur lang voelde ik mij door de vrouwelijke oerkrachten van mijn vriendinnen gedragen, onder Barbara’s zachte begeleiding. Onze bibliotheek was omgetoverd naar een groen rustoord; in het midden van de ruimte een nest van kussens en dekens waarop ik mocht liggen. Mijn vriendinnen waren getransformeerd tot de archetypische godinnen. Hun krachten en energie hebben zij als poëtische wensen aan mij geschonken. Ze namen mij mee door een stroom van zintuigelijke ervaringen, waar mijn maelstroom van emoties zonder remmingen mocht razen, tot dat ik de serene stilte van acceptatie had bereikt. De kleuren, geuren, geluiden en strelingen brachten mij tot een alternatief bewustzijn. Mijn lichaam vloeide buiten de oevers van mijn huid, en ik zweefde gewichtsloos, opgehouden door de fluisterende stemmen en warme handen. Het ritueel eindigde in een euforisch vuurspel, opgedragen aan de zonnewende en hernieuwing voor ons allemaal. Ik voelde mijn feminiene vitaliteit ontwaken, zo omringd door mijn glimlachende, stralende zusters. Het was ongelofelijk belangrijk om op zo’n bewuste manier afscheid te nemen van een lichaamsdeel die mij veel vreugde en veel pijn heeft gebracht. Barbara’s rol als ritueel begeleidster was een onschatbare ondersteuning van mijn rouwproces. Zij heeft mij geholpen om aan mijn verlies bestaansrecht te geven. En daarmee veel ruimte voor een nieuw begin. Ik ben haar mateloos dankbaar. </blockquote>
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