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transiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-04-04 21:27] – [March 2016] majatransiency_maja_kuzmanovic [2017-04-08 08:48] (current) maja
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 {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/30137433364/}}\\ {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/30137433364/}}\\
  
-It’s the 11th of November today. Remembrance day. In London I saw many people wearing poppies on their collars in memory of WWI. I wonder how many of those people agree with Theresa May’s creed. Have they forgotten or do they refuse to see the parallels? Does their present seem so unique and their actions so much more evolved and insightful? Do they think no one tried similar thing before (and failed)? Similar questions arose from being back at the FoAM studio. Repeating patterns and energetic blockages. The pain of indecision, loss and detachment. Not wanting to hurt the people I care about, but also not wanting to deny the reality of my own unfulfilled needs. Yet my mere presence may make the hurt inevitable. I felt something in me die, sinking in the magma of collective [[https://www.youtube.com/embed/9Ll3TaVmIfk|amnesia]]. Whatever it was, may it rest in peace through the winter months, to become a fertile compost for something fresh and wondrous next spring…+It’s the 11th of November today. Remembrance day. In London I saw many people wearing poppies on their collars in memory of WWI. I wonder how many of those people agree with Theresa May’s creed. Have they forgotten or do they refuse to see the parallels? Does their present seem so unique and their actions so much more evolved and insightful? Do they think no one tried similar thing before (and failed)? Similar questions arose from being back at the FoAM studio. Repeating patterns and energetic blockages. The pain of indecision, loss and detachment. Not wanting to hurt the people I care about, but also not wanting to deny the reality of my own  needs. Yet my mere presence may make the hurt inevitable. I felt something in me die, sinking in the magma of collective [[https://www.youtube.com/embed/9Ll3TaVmIfk|amnesia]]. Whatever it was, may it rest in peace through the winter months, to become a fertile compost for something fresh and wondrous next spring…
  
  
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 I put quite some time and mental energy into writing up a description of {{ :hosting:integrativeprocessfacilitation.pdf |integrative process facilitation}} with some of the hosting community. It felt right to do this as part of my transiency. Process facilitation is one of things from FoAM’s past that make sense for me to continue in our next phase. Working on the text and diagrams helped me clarify exactly what it is that I want to be doing, and how my skills and interest can be complementary with others in the group. I think this working group has potential to become a true community of practice. Our respective (un)availability and travel schedules still remain a challenge, which could be remedied if there were means for us to work intensively on projects for short periods as well as having a way to maintain momentum when we’re not directly working together. It’s a bit like the FoAM network… Working directly on such challenges though is something for after my transiency. For now, I’ll use the description of the work in my scoping conversations with potential clients and partners.  I put quite some time and mental energy into writing up a description of {{ :hosting:integrativeprocessfacilitation.pdf |integrative process facilitation}} with some of the hosting community. It felt right to do this as part of my transiency. Process facilitation is one of things from FoAM’s past that make sense for me to continue in our next phase. Working on the text and diagrams helped me clarify exactly what it is that I want to be doing, and how my skills and interest can be complementary with others in the group. I think this working group has potential to become a true community of practice. Our respective (un)availability and travel schedules still remain a challenge, which could be remedied if there were means for us to work intensively on projects for short periods as well as having a way to maintain momentum when we’re not directly working together. It’s a bit like the FoAM network… Working directly on such challenges though is something for after my transiency. For now, I’ll use the description of the work in my scoping conversations with potential clients and partners. 
  
-What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… For three weeks I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.+What has made these weeks less enjoyable was the context switching, even though the activities themselves were quite enjoyable. Funding and accounting, scheduling skype calls and meetings, stillness promotion, travel, writing, Filastine and Kate Rich’s inspiring BBB residencies, aperos, birthday celebrations, a bizarre salon on immaterial values (which made me realise just how much I truly do not understand some Flemish people), making a decision about the studio (we’ll keep it until the end of March 2017, at least), medical appointments, planning for Japan, convoluted renewal procedures for my Dutch passport, lovely but nauseating electronic music concerts… 
  
-Context switching wasn’t the most difficult thing in September though. That place was reserved for my ambiguous relationship with the hosting community. In June, I enjoyed preparing gatherings the way I like to experience them, which was perceived as walking over people and not fulfilling their needs. When I tried to share my own unfulfilled needs and doubts, they were met with accusations that Im taking responsibility away from others and not allowing them to help me. I listened to the critique and stepped as far back as I could to make space for others to step up. A few people organised the community [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] in September. While I noticed the same mistakes I used to make as novice retreat organiser, I let them "pass over me and through me", not wanting to criticise or come across as taking over again. Instead, I focused on doing exactly what was asked of me. I showed up as a participant and hosted a session I wanted to experiment with. For me, this was [[:hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]].+Context switching wasn’t the most difficult thing in September though. That place was reserved for my ambiguous relationship with the hosting community. In June, I enjoyed preparing gatherings the way I like to experience them, which was perceived as walking over people and not fulfilling their needs. When I tried to share my own needs and doubts, they were met with accusations that I'bringing bad energy to the group, taking responsibility away from others and not allowing them to help me. I listened to the critique and stepped as far back as I could to make space for others to step up. A few people organised the community [[:hosting/re-treat|re-treat]] in September. While I noticed the same mistakes I used to make as novice retreat organiser, I let them "pass over me and through me", not wanting to criticise or come across as taking over again. Instead, I focused on doing exactly what was asked of me. I showed up as a participant and hosted a session I wanted to experiment with. For me, this was [[:hosting/living_with_dis-ease|Living with dis-ease]]. 
 + 
 +{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/29189253243/}}\\
  
 I was looking forward to extracting parts of my memoir and translating them into a participatory session. The session included readings interspersed with short meditations. I spent a few days designing it and felt quite inspired. I wanted to share the practices which have helped me in my darkest, most difficult moments. I had hoped that they could be as helpful to other people. I also wanted to share my writing with people who I felt close to.  I was looking forward to extracting parts of my memoir and translating them into a participatory session. The session included readings interspersed with short meditations. I spent a few days designing it and felt quite inspired. I wanted to share the practices which have helped me in my darkest, most difficult moments. I had hoped that they could be as helpful to other people. I also wanted to share my writing with people who I felt close to. 
  
 As a guiding theme I took the title of Treya and Ken Wilber’s book [[Grace and Grit]]. I described seven episodes from the last seven years of my life, where the 'grit' of dis-ease become fertile ground for grace. I focused on mind training - particularly in meditation and rituals - as a way to experience grace in the midst of the grit chronic illness. I was curious to see if/how this could work in terms of content and format. I decided not talk about all aspects of my illness, but to focus on the theme I found most relevant to the re-treat, namely the connection between illness and contemplation.  As a guiding theme I took the title of Treya and Ken Wilber’s book [[Grace and Grit]]. I described seven episodes from the last seven years of my life, where the 'grit' of dis-ease become fertile ground for grace. I focused on mind training - particularly in meditation and rituals - as a way to experience grace in the midst of the grit chronic illness. I was curious to see if/how this could work in terms of content and format. I decided not talk about all aspects of my illness, but to focus on the theme I found most relevant to the re-treat, namely the connection between illness and contemplation. 
- 
-{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\ 
  
 With all my good intentions, I did not take into account how my selection of excerpts (with a focus on how I helped myself through dis-ease) could inadvertently hurt people who know me. Some felt guilty or even angry at me for not asking for more help, or not sharing enough, or for not acknowledging their contribution to my healing. Others felt remorse for not having done more. One of my closest friends burst into tears and a half-hour tirade of accusations that I have so much rage in me and express it in ways that only hurt others, making them feel incapable and unworthy.  With all my good intentions, I did not take into account how my selection of excerpts (with a focus on how I helped myself through dis-ease) could inadvertently hurt people who know me. Some felt guilty or even angry at me for not asking for more help, or not sharing enough, or for not acknowledging their contribution to my healing. Others felt remorse for not having done more. One of my closest friends burst into tears and a half-hour tirade of accusations that I have so much rage in me and express it in ways that only hurt others, making them feel incapable and unworthy. 
 +
 +{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29703288282/}}\\
  
 Regardless to say, I was taken aback. I felt ashamed that my very well-meaning actions could cause so much pain. Again. At the same time, there was a nagging question arising from somewhere deep inside me - why should even the experience of my own illness be about making other people feel good about themselves? Why is it that whenever I share my most honest feelings, doubts and longing with this (supposedly supportive) group, my words are misinterpreted as an attack and the conversation becomes about other people’s unfulfilled needs? Am I toxic to this group and vice versa? Is it time to leave it all behind? The hosting group and my cancer memoir? Is writing and publishing my memoir only going to cause more grief?  Regardless to say, I was taken aback. I felt ashamed that my very well-meaning actions could cause so much pain. Again. At the same time, there was a nagging question arising from somewhere deep inside me - why should even the experience of my own illness be about making other people feel good about themselves? Why is it that whenever I share my most honest feelings, doubts and longing with this (supposedly supportive) group, my words are misinterpreted as an attack and the conversation becomes about other people’s unfulfilled needs? Am I toxic to this group and vice versa? Is it time to leave it all behind? The hosting group and my cancer memoir? Is writing and publishing my memoir only going to cause more grief? 
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 ==Back to Not Holding Back== ==Back to Not Holding Back==
  
-During my transiency, I have uncovered parts of myself which lay dormant or have been held with tight reins for years, while I was running an organisation and supporting dozens of people through their personal, professional, financial and emotional issues. This year I promised myself that I wouldn’t hold back any more. I want to be able to enjoy the flow of my creativity in whatever I do. I should either fully commit to something or not do it at all. At the end of my transiency I want to have a clear(er) sense of purpose, so that I can better prioritise and only work on things I can completely stand behind. I have only a limited number of years to live with dwindling energy, and I can’t allow myself to be so drained any more. +During my transiency, I have uncovered parts of myself which lay dormant or have been held with tight reins for years, while I was running an organisation and supporting dozens of people through their personal, professional, financial and emotional issues. This year I promised myself that I wouldn’t hold back any more. I want to be able to enjoy the flow of my creativity in whatever I do. I should either fully commit to something or not do it at all. At the end of my transiency I want to have a clear(er) sense of purpose, so that I can better prioritise and only work on things I can completely stand behind. For three weeks in September I felt like I was in a tiny room filled with strobe-lights and screaming women. I must reduce the amount of such stroboscopic, high-pitched experiences in my life, literally and figuratively.I have only a limited number of years to live with dwindling energy, and I can’t allow myself to be so drained any more. 
  
 <blockquote>… it’s not about the joy, it’s about the work, and there has to be some kind of joy in the work, some kind from among the many kinds, including the joy of hard truths told honestly. Carpenters don’t say, I’m just not feeling it today, or I don’t give a damn about this staircase and whether people fall through it; how you feel is something that you cannot take too seriously on your way to doing something, and doing something is a means of not being stuck in how you feel. That is, there’s a kind of introspection that’s wallowing and being stuck, and there’s a kind that gets beyond that into something more interesting and then maybe takes you out into the world or into the place where deepest interior and cosmological phenomena are at last talking to each other. <blockquote>… it’s not about the joy, it’s about the work, and there has to be some kind of joy in the work, some kind from among the many kinds, including the joy of hard truths told honestly. Carpenters don’t say, I’m just not feeling it today, or I don’t give a damn about this staircase and whether people fall through it; how you feel is something that you cannot take too seriously on your way to doing something, and doing something is a means of not being stuck in how you feel. That is, there’s a kind of introspection that’s wallowing and being stuck, and there’s a kind that gets beyond that into something more interesting and then maybe takes you out into the world or into the place where deepest interior and cosmological phenomena are at last talking to each other.
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 {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/28218478755/}}\\  {{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/28218478755/}}\\ 
  
-Amidst such inner investigations, I was also dealing with medical checkups and planning, FoAM admin, entertaining friends, writing an article, designing and participating in the [[:/hosting/july_2016|hosting gathering]]. The latter was definitely a creative challenge: how to bring up my (rather emotional) conundrums about the detrimental effects of my involvement with this group, without derailing the flow. I only wanted to bring my doubts out in the open to acknowledge they exist, but I didn't think it was the right time to resolve them. I brought my ritual dagger to  //"… to bind and pin down negative energies or obscurations from the mindstream of an entity, person or thoughtform, including the thoughtform generated by a group, project and so on, to administer purification."// ([[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C4%ABla_(Buddhism)|Wikipedia on Vajrakīla]]). I mentioned that I used the dagger in my meditations over the last week, to try to separate my own unfulfilled needs from more general concerns+Amidst such inner investigations, I was also dealing with medical checkups and planning, FoAM admin, entertaining friends, writing an article, designing and participating in the [[:/hosting/july_2016|hosting gathering]]. The latter was definitely a creative challenge: how to bring up my (rather emotional) conundrums about the detrimental effects of my involvement with this group, without derailing the flow. I only wanted to bring my doubts out in the open to acknowledge they exist, without needing to resolve them immediately. I brought my ritual dagger to  //"… to bind and pin down negative energies or obscurations from the mindstream of an entity, person or thoughtform, including the thoughtform generated by a group, project and so on, to administer purification."// ([[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C4%ABla_(Buddhism)|Wikipedia on Vajrakīla]]). I mentioned that I used the dagger in my meditations over the last week, to try untangle why I recently felt so uncomfortable about my involvement with the hosting group.
  
-While the dagger meditation helped me get clarity, bringing it to the gathering was perceived as threatening and aggressive by others. This seems to be a recurring issue for me (with some people) in this group. My honest and well-meaning actions are experienced as too forceful or even domineering. After the session I hosted in early June, no one took initiative to facilitate the next gathering. All the while I kept thinking about the participants' reaction at the end of the "zoom-out" session - they wanted to work on developing activities rather than discussing the big picture. As the day of the gathering was coming closer, I sent an email to our mailing list: "As a hosting "community of practice", our primary purpose is to support our individual and collective hosting practices - through discussion, advice, testing, co-hosting and co-creation. We could use the upcoming gathering see what this would be like - in practice. Rather than talking about how the community could work - we could try it out in an open space session. Anyone who would like to discuss, test, or co-create an activity can host a session, lasting from 30-90 minutes. Before we begin the open space session, I'd like to do a mapping exercise, to get an overview of existing and potential activities/practices that each of us would like to contribute to the group. We can possibly use this map to come up with a set of criteria for inclusion of activities." No one objected, so I proceeded to design the gathering on my own. I prepared a substantial framing, as there were several people who had missed a couple of previous sessions. The preparation also helped me synthesize everything we discussed over the last six months. +{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/28181125671/}}\\ 
 + 
 +While the dagger meditation helped me get clarity, bringing it to the gathering was perceived as threatening and aggressive by others. This seems to be a recurring issue for me (with some people) in this group. My honest and heartfelt actions are experienced as too forceful or even domineering. After the session I hosted in early June, no one took initiative to facilitate the next gathering. All the while I kept thinking about the participants' reaction at the end of the "zoom-out" session - they wanted to work on developing activities rather than discussing the big picture. As the day of the gathering was coming closer, I sent an email to our mailing list: "As a hosting "community of practice", our primary purpose is to support our individual and collective hosting practices - through discussion, advice, testing, co-hosting and co-creation. We could use the upcoming gathering see what this would be like - in practice. Rather than talking about how the community could work - we could try it out in an open space session. Anyone who would like to discuss, test, or co-create an activity can host a session, lasting from 30-90 minutes. Before we begin the open space session, I'd like to do a mapping exercise, to get an overview of existing and potential activities/practices that each of us would like to contribute to the group. We can possibly use this map to come up with a set of criteria for inclusion of activities." No one objected, so I proceeded to design the gathering on my own. I prepared a substantial framing, as there were several people who had missed a couple of previous sessions. The preparation also helped me synthesize everything we discussed over the last six months. 
  
-In the middle of my framing, a couple of people began crying in response to my suggestion that we map only those activities that people are truly committed to. I hoped to avoid a big swamp of possible projects that we wouldn't have time realise. I have seen other groups (including FoAM) become discouraged when faced with too many interesting initiatives. How to choose? How to prioritise? What principles or criteria can guide meaningful selections? People in the hosting group were reluctant to work with abstract concepts as success factors and change drivers. That's fine. I thought that in this gathering we could try a different approach. We could be guided by the individuals' intuition or "gut-feeling" to distill the activities we'd like to work on. I was excited about experimenting with this approach. In my excitement, I forgot myself and used my direct Balkan/Dutch way of speaking, with no gloves on. What a horrible mistake that was. My enthusiasm and directness was experienced as brute force. I felt as if I was clumsy bulldozer with broken brakes. Even though no one said much to me at the time, later (and behind my back) I was accused of not trusting people, of not taking their needs into account and of blocking their personal growth by my "hostile takeover".+In the middle of my framing, a couple of people began crying in response to my suggestion that we map only those activities that people are truly committed to. I hoped to avoid a big swamp of possible projects that we wouldn't have time realise. I have seen other groups (including FoAM) become discouraged when faced with too many interesting initiatives. How to choose? How to prioritise? What principles or criteria can guide meaningful selections? People in the hosting group were reluctant to work with abstract concepts as success factors and change drivers. That's fine. I thought that in this gathering we could try a different approach. We could be guided by the individuals' intuition or "gut-feeling" to distill the activities we'd like to work on. I was excited about experimenting with this approach. In my excitement, I forgot myself and used my forthright Balkan/Dutch way of speaking, with no gloves on. What a horrible mistake that was. My enthusiasm and directness was experienced as brute force. I felt as if I was clumsy bulldozer with broken brakes. Even though no one said much to me at the time, later (and behind my back) I was accused of not trusting people, of not taking their needs into account and of blocking their personal growth by my "hostile takeover".
 While I didn't know exactly what people thought, I felt a great amount of hostility towards me, which I couldn't place at the time. I paused, sat down and listened. What ensued was an emotional check-in that lasted until lunch time.  While I didn't know exactly what people thought, I felt a great amount of hostility towards me, which I couldn't place at the time. I paused, sat down and listened. What ensued was an emotional check-in that lasted until lunch time. 
  
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 Through various meditation, primarily on compassion and forgiveness, I realised that I care too much to just leave. Instead, I chose to share my painful emotions, insights and conundrums with the group. And I brought the dagger to pin down my own negative energy and transform it into something else. Another mistake. Through various meditation, primarily on compassion and forgiveness, I realised that I care too much to just leave. Instead, I chose to share my painful emotions, insights and conundrums with the group. And I brought the dagger to pin down my own negative energy and transform it into something else. Another mistake.
  
 +As I was describing my [[hosting/july_2016#conundrums|conundrums]] in the closing circle, people felt the need to "help", defend themselves or prove me wrong. A known impulse in situations when well meaning (but emotionally laden) feedback is taken personally, when it is easier to give advice than to sit with the discomfort. I find advice in such moments completely counterproductive (it makes me feel incompetent). Unfortunately I was too caught up in the whirlwind of hosting and participating (aware of the time slipping away and people having to catch trains). I didn't recognise what was going on while it was happening. Everyone, including me, was becoming defensive. This wasn't what I hoped for. Perhaps I was naively taking the group's commitment to honesty about our doubts too literally. Perhaps our ways of working and communicating are not as compatible as we thought. Perhaps our various insecurities and emotional baggage are clouding our judgement. Perhaps we just can't truly listen to each other at the moment. Or perhaps it was simply my raw and unskillful delivery of concerns that came across as judgement. If so, I am truly sorry. I hope to get a chance to creatively resolve these conundrums together. For me, it's all a part of the practice…
  
-{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/foam/28181125671/}}\\+{{>http://www.flickr.com/photos/deziluzija/29188681244/}}\\
  
-As I was describing my [[hosting/july_2016#conundrums|conundrums]] in the closing circle, people felt the need to "help", defend themselves or prove me wrong. A known impulse in situations when well meaning (but emotionally laden) feedback is taken personally, when it is easier to give advice than to sit with the discomfort. I find advice in such moments completely counterproductive (it makes me feel incompetent). Unfortunately I was too caught up in the whirlwind of hosting and participating (aware of the time slipping away and people having to catch trains). I didn't recognise what was going on while it was happening. Everyone, including me, was becoming defensive. This wasn't what I hoped for. Perhaps I was naively taking the group's commitment to honesty about our doubts too literally. Perhaps our ways of working and communicating are not as compatible as we thought. Perhaps our various insecurities and emotional baggage are clouding our judgement. Perhaps we just can't truly listen to each other at the moment. Or perhaps it was simply my raw and unskillful delivery of concerns that came across as judgement. If so, I am truly sorry. I hope to get a chance to creatively resolve these conundrums together. For me, it's all a part of the practice… 
  
 While we were cleaning up, Kathleen came back from the metro a few minutes after she left, having witnessed someone jumping under the train. This refocused everyone’s attention. Stevie and I had planned to improvise a guided meditation which didn’t happen earlier, but it now it seemed more than appropriate.  While we were cleaning up, Kathleen came back from the metro a few minutes after she left, having witnessed someone jumping under the train. This refocused everyone’s attention. Stevie and I had planned to improvise a guided meditation which didn’t happen earlier, but it now it seemed more than appropriate. 
  • transiency_maja_kuzmanovic.1491341253.txt.gz
  • Last modified: 2017-04-04 21:27
  • by maja